neurological dryer lint

last night i threw in one of my favorite all time albums, bad religion's excellent stranger than fiction. there's still something remarkable about listening to it - it's kinda like sitting in a room with a younger, fifteen year old version of myself, and listening to his thoughts.

i remember the first time i heard Slumber. in itself it's a very peaceful, mellowing song, as i'm sure they meant it to be. the opening lines: "so you're feeling unimportant, cause you've got nothing to say. and your life is just a ramble, no one understands you anyway." - i heard those and thought, yeah, that's me, i know that feeling. maybe these guys can tell me something about life. maybe they have an answer.

listening to the end of that song, though, and the process that Graffin (BR's lead singer) takes the listener through as it progresses... it's mirrored in so much other stuff he writes, in the things he says in his letters on his website, etc... well the end of the song says "i'm not too good at giving morals, and i don't fear the consequence. if life makes you scared and bitter, at least it's not for very long."

man... that was all the hope i had when i was fifteen. i sat and listened to those words and i nodded my head in assent.

now it makes me sad, almost to the point of tears. fortunately that kid got tracked down and pulled out of the pit. he got led down a very unanticipated trail over the last nine years to now, where i don't lay awake at night and get shivers at the thought of death. i don't want to cry because i'm so scared of the end and the darkness that awaits, the eternal slumber.

maybe that's the most significant transformation my life has seen since i started following Jesus. i'm not frightened anymore - i think of the end of my mortal life here, i guess you could say with curiousity. or wonder. kinda like the way i'm thinking about how Return Of The King is gonna be - i KNOW it's going to be sweet, totally excellent, i only have a vague idea of how it could play out. i've had it described to me before, i know what the 'facts' are, i just can't PICTURE it, the thing that really makes it real to me, i don't KNOW what it's going to look like, what it's going to be like.

i'm not scared for the end anymore. it's a burden that's long been lifted from me, and i can say that with assurance now. i didn't lift the burden, either, i don't have any idea how i would have done it. it got taken from me. i'm grateful to God for that.

Graffin would say i'm deluding myself. i've got myself convinced of lies and i'm just following the crowd and there is no God, only something i've convinced myself of. i "cling to my hopes as i drop to my knees," to quote No Substance. i'm a foolish sheep.

and i can say in reply, no, Greg. i'm not a sheep. i've investigated, i've checked, and more than that, i've experienced things in my life that i can explain in no other way, besides that it's the work of something greater than me. the existence of God - and His passion and love for me - is as real to me as the shoes i'm wearing and the keyboard i'm typing on.

and what hope do you have, Greg? if life sucks, at least it's only 70-80 years long? even if i'm delusional and everything i know is fake, at least i'm happy, content, satisfied. my life is good and complete. but you think i'm living a lie? it's more important to admit the truth and live in reality and be miserable, and i'm simply living in my fantasy world? at least you're honest with yourself? really?

don't pity the dead, you say. look at all the living and ask yourself why. we're all better off in the ground? as you say, "a smile on the lips and a hole in the head"? i don't ever want my life to be that bleak. i feel sad for the man who would say those things and mean them, who lives with no hope. and the lies and delusions that i call my faith, well, who knows. maybe there's more truth to them than you know. i hope someday your closed mind cracks open a bit and you're willing to admit the existence of something that you cannot explain. that something is waiting for that day with the eagerness of a heartbroken father, staring out the window, looking through the tears for his lost son who's run away.