neurological dryer lint

got a little frustrated during poker last night.

i know it's just a game, and i should be concentrating on hanging out with everyone, having a good time, etc. yeah. here's the thing, i think i can only lose miserably so many times and still be having fun. we've been playing consistently for a few months now. i've done well once - i.e. winning the whole thing - and that was only on a few lucky hands. last night was the first time in a month and a half i got decent cards, and that lasted for about 40 minutes. every week i lose my whole stack in a few hours. and i know it's not all the cards, i'll admit, i'm not a great poker genius. and i don't feel like i'm progressing or learning. i want to hang out w/everyone, but it just isn't fun like it was in the beginning for me. it's gotten less a good time and more depressing.

maybe this is a symptom, though. honestly, it's been almost seven years in this environment, living in clifton with a bunch of guys. and i wouldn't trade my experiences for the world, they have in an enormous way shaped the person that i am. i'm grateful for the relationships i have, because as friends they're the most important things in my life. i've been blessed with the kind of friendships i've longed for my whole life.

but i know when things need to change. i think i've about hit my limit in the 'living-the-college-life' thing. i'm getting a little more anal about cleaning stuff. i'm longing for more solitude, more alone time to just relax and be quiet, spend time with God and read and think about stuff. it's possible now, it's just not very easy to do. i love being around people and everything, but when it's close to nonstop it's hard to get any solitude without barring myself in my room, and even then it's not quiet. more than that, i'm sick of clifton, the conditions, the "i can't leave anything in my car for fear it'll get stolen" vibe. i want to live in a normal neighborhood without 80 frats around me. (i really just want to settle down with this girl, but i'll take what i can get for now).

b and i are talking about moving out of clifton in september when our lease is up and we all leave the house. right now it sounds like a fantastic idea. i'd drive to class (if i still have to) just to get out of this part of the city. i'd leave jimmy johns and the skyline on ludlow & cilfton and our sweet networking setup if i could just have some peace, i guess. i'm ready and i think i have been for a few years, but it's just now starting to really push on me.