neurological dryer lint

dialup sucks.

look at me. i've got a great new place and i start complaining immediately. it's been a pretty common thing this weekend. but the compound II (or whatever we end up calling it) is REAL sweet. i absolutely love the place.

the carpet is brand new, we have lots of space, and the location is solid. i didn't realize how convienient the area is - a meijer right across the street, a gamestop, a skyline, white castle, mcdonalds, wendy's... right on 74, ten minutes to clifton, ten minutes to northwest, fifteen / twenty to work, ten to church...

but my brain has really registered some strange reactions in the last few days / week. the initial dread of moving, the relief of packing... supplemented by the extreme relief of having the best moving crew ever - my parents, b, steve, artie, mikey, merkel... the emotional support team of rob, dave, austin, doug... renee came by to help me get supplies and stuff from meijer...

then, panic, more stabbing and urgent than dread. not only has cbell failed to turn on our DSL - and i was assured by two people, 5pm on saturday, with our same IP - but the move has completely drained me financially. well, the move + normal expenses and stuff. and i've been good the last few weeks spending and such - i just didn't think i'd have to spend so much on the truck and on rent and supplies.

i haven't been in this position in... say... maybe two, three years? the account balance right on the edge of nothing. i've become so self dependent. the lesson i thought i'd learned a long time ago, the one God fought so hard to teach me about not worrying... it's just a different kind of worrying though, than it was. this time in the back of my head, i remembered, i've seen God pull through and provide before, and things will be the same this time, just not in the way i expect. remember? it's never how you expect.

i hate my self dependence. i fail myself quite a bit, and it sucks. there is a much better way, and about two percent of the time my brain aligns itself with the truth of things and i see it work.

that was about the balance this weekend. ninety-eight percent panic, two percent trust. fortunately i spent some time with God and he reassured me. and so did renee. and then things ended up working out, i got the money people owed me and things were all good. and i hate being the guy asking people to 'pay up', essentially. it feels so crappy. i guess i should expect that if i pay for things for other people though. i'd make a terrible mobster.

and more reassurance... the disaster of this DSL transfer is what my pessimistic side told me was going to happen with cincinnati bell. multiple calls to support and customer service with no resolution and useless explanations. but this morning, the supervisor i was waiting on to call me back... who else but my homeboy Kai, the kiwi, an ex-OneNet soldier and all-around awesome guy. it was good to talk with him, catch up, and be reassured that someone in that building - several, actually, all ex-OneNet - knew what they were doing. DSL probably won't be up tonight, or tomorrow, but hopefully their projections of Friday are overstated.

i feel worse for people with websites that host them on cybertron. i guess they get what they pay for? :)

anyway. so i'm in, and the place is beginning to feel like home, and i love that. it's a great, great place, and the pool rocks. b and i ventured down to panera to steal wifi (it's on even when they're closed, how bout that?) tonight . tomorrow's work, this weekend's artie's wedding... geez, i have a speech to write... anyway. the panic has subsided for the most part. i am comforted a bit - and this is weird - that my life, someone who's trying to walk with God, looks a lot like anyone else's. clearly, i'm no priest or traditional missionary or whatever. you know? but i know that although i get rained on like everyone else, in the end things still make sense after it's over and i feel confident in God's provision and care and attention. hmm.

listening to: anberlin - love song