neurological dryer lint

hmm.

thinking more and more about leaving young life.. and about doing more w/lifespring..

it's like i just connected two different dots. dots that independently are in the forefront of my mind, but i never put the two together. in the last year or two, i've done a lot of reading and studying and discussing with others about the shift in view in the realm of christian spirituality, from the structured, mathematical, follow-this-rule-and-do-this-ritual-and-act-this-way, formulaic system of beliefs, to a more blob-esque lump of faith, more about love and relationships and gatherings of people and less about organizations and knowing everything and guilt over failure. a more accurate, clearer view of the way Jesus said we ought to live, IMHO.

anyway. the older generation, the type A's that enjoy their structure and their rules and their traditions, and don't like anyone messing with them... those guys see themselves on one side of the divide, and on the other side are the type B's that don't really feel like they fit into any sort of equation, and that want their relationship with Jesus to be actually intimate, intimate like they know intimacy... the hippie christians, the ones about changing things and doing things that work instead of doing things they way they've always been done, the ones that are about acceptance and tolerance and unconditional love and being failures and not being able to fix themselves and imperfect and afraid and fearful and think that God thinks they're cool anyway...

but the thing is they (the type B hippies) don't see themselves as on the other side of a 'divide' - they see everyone in one big group, including the type A's that think they aren't part of that big group, that think they're separate.

so yeah. where i'm going. i think there's this limbo in the middle, right? people who either have been christians for a time, or who are brand new, or who are investigating.. people who have heard or are being told, to really be a Christian, to be a part of this thing you want to be a part of, you have to think and act like a type A... but they don't want to because they've lived their lives like a type B and they don't want to have to throw all that out and hack their personality so they can pretend to look and act like a type A... those people in the limbo, doing the limbo, it seems like they will pursue one of three paths -

(1) they will sigh and shove themselves into the type A mold, in the name of 'becoming like Christ' (although the type A's i callously describe above would be very unlike Jesus)..

(2) they will abandon the relationship with God because they feel like they can't cut it, it's too much to try for..

(3) they will find guidance, someone that will tell them it's okay to be who they are, and lead them along, being a type B, themselves, and help them to get acquainted with God. someone to give them permission to screw up and love them and make them feel accepted like God accepts them and welcome them into their community, make them a part of the family.

i want to be that person. that's what i want to do now. for a while i've tried to do that with high school kids. maybe i was used to do that some, but honestly i needed a person like that back in '96 when i started this thing. i was fortunate enough to have d-group (murph and artie and eric and ian and tim and jeremy and the rest of the crew) and to have the guys i've lived with and around for the past years. they did that for me - and i think we did that for each other, because we were just starting to understand that we all needed a number 3 person, so we tried to be that for each other the best we could.

i feel like i'm being pulled to that role at lifespring - maybe leading a study or meeting with people or something. i don't know. but i feel like this stuff is so natural and just makes sense to me - in the same way i can build a PC or hook up a surround sound system without really having to do too much brain work - it feels like it's natural, like something i can do. but that combined with not feeling like young life is right for me anymore... the pieces are all floating in water, getting closer to each other, like they're about to be assembled...

listening to: pink floyd - eclipse