neurological dryer lint

i spend most of my time swimming. the body of water cradling me is my self-obsession, my addiction to me.

as the great poet andrew schwab said... "lately this ocean floor's been feeling more like home."

but occasionally the conditions will be right, and i'll allow myself to float to the surface, and my eyes will breach the air. and i see that the creator of the universe tirelessly hunted me, a stranger... but it wasn't to hurt me or cause me harm. when he caught up with the stranger he wrapped me with his arms and as he sobbed with relief and his heart screamed with absolute joy he choked out the words "i love you, you are mine... i will never leave you..." and he gave the stranger, the joker off the street that cursed his name for years, absolutely everything he had, and he showed the stranger what unconditional meant and he KEPT ON DOING IT every time the stranger walked away.

i'm less of a stranger now. i'm beginning to see slivers of what love can truly mean...

god, show people that you are pursuing them, chasing them through a shattered world, desperate to love them. be real to them. give them glimpses of the potential that life holds. thank you for calling me to the surface, for screaming yourself hoarse to recover me, to awaken me. thank you for the times that i am awake. thank you for restoring my life. thank you for all the things i've always wanted, that i have. thank you that i can say that i am satisfied, that my life is complete, that i lack nothing, that i have everything.

i think i've always wanted to mean that. i've heard other people say that, and i never believed them. i didn't think someone could really believe those things. i'm supposed to, people that follow God are supposed to possess that, to live that way, and i always felt like i missed the boat. it was unfair. how foolish. i was the problem. it was simply time... and it'll be fleeting and i'll walk away from it. and i'll come back, and relish this feeling again. and my rescuer will be patient with me and whisper those same things to me. feelings, emotion, they grow and expand... but they will come around again, the tide will rise.

forgive this haze of mindless babble, guys. i think i will express these things here more. it feels better. i usually craft my thoughts to be very coherent and intelligent-sounding and rational, because i'm afraid to sound less than perfect. dumping, like this, seems to be something i need to do occasionally... i need to be messy and random.. yeah, it's more the real me. i'm not very eloquent. :)