neurological dryer lint

it's gray and colder, finally. i like it when the weather matches what i'm listening to.

i think i was just too exhausted this weekend to really write anything. i haven't really felt any overwhelming desire lately, either, and so i'm sure that's part of it. and it was an exciting weekend, worth writing about.

artie's wedding stuff this weekend brought in a million old friends, and it was so good to see everyone and hang out with people i never get to hang out with. almost every ex-oak hills leader was there (cept Mike, who was down in NC, working hard... i poured a 40 on the ground for him, even though he's not dead)... lots of oak hills alumni, lots of parents... navs people, including most of the florida crew... a lot of northwest people, like big timmy dake who i hadn't seen in forever... yeah. i hope our reception is that much fun. i think it will be, because it's so much about the people that show up and make it cool. honestly, most receptions seem to just go endlessly and drag out - but saturday felt like it went by in five minutes. i didn't get to visit with everyone as much as i'd hoped.

the ceremony went off without a hitch. except that lisa got a little nervous and had some difficulty with one of the parts of the vows. artie and i got to climb the church's bell tower beforehand, in kind of a tradition-continuing thing - kolia and a few of his guys from back in the day did the same thing on their wedding day - so that was interesting, and very dusty. anyway. lots of great memories. i have some pictures from mrs. naegel, and i'm gonna get tony's too and put them all up soon.

we stayed for pictures, then went to the reception, and we walked in and were told we'd get introduced, then artie and lisa would dance, and then i'd be up for the toast. crap. that's like, five minutes. and promptly everything i'd planned to say just drained out of my skull... i managed to plan a few things out, and tried to sound funny and eloquent and heartfelt. i hope it worked. i'm surprised there was any champagne in my glass still, my hands were shaking so much.

so yeah. lots of fun seeing people and hanging out. renee and i pretty much just collapsed after it was over, and went out to dinner, and then came back home, because we had to move the rest of her stuff out of her clifton place sunday morning. i think that more than anything took it out of me. we got her house empty and cleaned by like 4:30, and then unloaded at her house. so i'm a little sore.

you know, i don't need all the stress i feel like i've had on me lately. i brought it on myself.

(sorry about the drastic change in direction here).

i realized, being all worried about moving and money and stuff.. i just let myself go on that. i've seen God provide for me how many times? it's almost like i enjoy the worrying. i know things are going to be fine, but self-pity becomes a drug, an adrenaline-generating euphoria. my goodness, it's so stupid, but left to my own devices i'm quite foolish.

the attitude penetrates everywhere. i can clearly remember when my heart was willing to give money back to God at my church, and the deep down calm that just sidled in along with it - a real, honest, calm, not a self-generated pat on the back but a serious serenity that i couldn't escape - and i feel its absence and yet i'm too stubborn to do anything about it. God got my attention about it this morning, reading stuff from paul about being willing to give what i have. okay, i feel you. i'm rarely that willing. that's not a change, i think, i can bring about in myself. maybe. how do you do that? make yourself more willing to give? maybe you remember what it was like in the past, that feeling, and you just go for it? maybe i make too much of a big deal of my attempts to fix myself as a way out of responsibility?

renee says i don't give myself enough credit. maybe she's right. i don't know. none of us has a really accurate view of ourselves, i don't think.

anyway. so school's done for the next few weeks, then i begin the final quarter. it's right there. what's life going to be like when i'm not in school anymore, ever? i've spent seven years in college. it'll feel like the death of a friend... or not, maybe a really bothersome coworker?

oh. and warnock sent me some pictures from down south. it's not fair. :)

listening to: jay-z - renegade