neurological dryer lint

this is going to be a post about me and God. i don't say this often. but if that type of thing just isn't your style you can skip this because more than anything i just wanted to get this out.

okay.

so the mailserver goes down at 11:45pm again and i do my standard 10 minutes of frustration and grumbling. and then the few minutes of 'what good is that going to do you? stop it.' and then more grumbling and frustration because i'm just fooling myself thinking that if i tell myself that it'll get better.

then i get into the 'what if this is the big one? what if it's finally dead?' panic. then the 'our backup system is like a blind, paralyzed guard dog with one leg' panic.

and i start thinking, God, you're the only one who can ensure that things work here.

then i realize. this is the most fervently i've spoken with God in a while. that's just plain stupid.

God has become 911. i'm afraid of something difficult and upsetting and - gasp - inconvienient in my life. and so i flip out and beg God to not use a disaster at work to bring me back close to him, depending on him, cause i can't handle it.

see. i haven't felt very close to God for a number of weeks. trying to spend time with him... i dont know... feels like my God radio that i use to hear what he's saying is broken, and i'm standing there with the dismantled parts in my hands, just staring at them, no idea what to do to fix it. my time with him hasn't been meaningful. i know full well it's not his fault. once again my controlling grasp of my life has locked me in. contentment has sabotaged things, crept inside and cut the wires and snuck back out while i was asleep.

and it's TERRIBLE that the only time i come back to him is when i need something that's just outside the reach of my own grasp. the things i can't fix or handle myself. he's tech support.

TERRIBLE! i hate it. hate it. it makes me so incredibly angry. i know the book answer - God wants my life to be connected to him completely, and trials and adversity lead me in that direction... if life is easy and problem-free i'll simply depend on myself. i run screaming for the uncomplicated, simple life, though, a child too afraid to leave the house.

the selfishness... the weakness... unwillingness to sacrifice, to take risks, to stop being my apathy's servant..

kurt said it perfectly. "love myself better than you. i know it's wrong. but what can i do?"

i swear.. you know what the worst part is? he still loves me like he did day one. nothing changes it. nothing. maybe if i could make him mad or disappointed it'd give me motivation to change. maybe that's why i dream up his disapproving gaze at me, cold and harsh, invent it so i can feebly push myself towards reform and instead i crumble and crawl away. but even tonight i know he loves me. it's almost irritating. i can't get away from it. i feel like it's a brick wall almost, and i'm slamming against it until i collapse and lean against it and fall asleep.

this dichotomy, the lie of comfort and self-absorption; the rest, falsely elusive, in the dangerous wilderness of a meaningful journey with God. i want an easy burden, a calm storm, and that's what i have, but i want to turn to him in the midst of it, not simply shake his hand, say 'thanks for that' and walk away. i want consistency and i feel it's simply too much for my heart to ever generate. i can't give him the response or the return he deserves. i'm busted up and a failure.

i'm glad at least that that's okay.