neurological dryer lint

i picked up on something about myself today that is probably common but seemed almost remarkable.

i was driving to campus from work. today was sunny and my preference for gray, cloudy days has, like my hairline, begun to slowly, steadily recede, so i was enjoying it. i was listening to The Loft XM50 and enjoyed a few songs on there. i noticed - they aren't the normal things that i think i would listen to. very strange, eclectic, brian-eno-david-byrne stuff.

it dawned on me how things were different today, and i remembered other days when i was in this kind of universally-accepting, easygoing, cheery mood. any music sounded good. i got out my phone, because i was in the mood to talk to people, and tried to figure out someone to call.

i think the reason i was like this is simply because i felt close to God today. we'd had good time together this morning. when i don't feel close to God, i'm easily frustrated, melancholy, whiny, stressed. it's more familiar - but i don't like it.

here comes the computer analogy. in the last few years making software skinnable - giving users the ability to customize / change the interface and appearance of an application. while the underlying application remains the same, functions the same, etc - the outside looks however the user wants. windows media player, winamp, firefox, even windows if you hack it enough, are good examples of this trend.

see where i'm going with this?

i'm skinned a certain way depending on me and God on any given day. this is not a shock - but that i'm capable of both sides of this spectrum, that the same 'me' is inside of these two personalities really fascinates me. i don't think i'm bipolar, because it isn't manifested as clearly on the outside, but i see myself like this and it's startling. is it just good and bad days? more? am i being too dramatic about this?

i don't know. more than anything it's evidence that i need God, i've always needed him, and i always will, and my needs get met when i'm with him and life eases up and makes sense.

yep. there you go.

listening to: weezer - slave