neurological dryer lint

if i were to rate, on average, how close i am / feel to God on any given day, on a terror-alert type scale, it'd probably be blue to yellow. somewhere in the middle. occasionally green, less occasionally orange. rarely red. it's been red maybe a dozen times in my life for about an hour or so each time. hmmm.

last couple of days, i've noticed (almost seems like i'm a bystander, out of control of my own mental state) my mood alter, more optimistic and positive and happy in general. a lot of that has been me reaching out to God more, communicating a little more. i can identify very well right now with david crowder's statement, "i'm so tired of little gods while standing on the edge of something large."

something held me back this morning. i wanted to feel as close to God as i had before, 'catch up with him', eliminate the distance i'd placed between us. it wasn't a head-knowledge issue, i knew (know) how he feels about me. unrequited love, simple and complex, joyous, unconditional. something kept me shivering in the corner, awkward and afraid. it wasn't like before, where the slow passage from my brain to my heart would keep me from truly knowing. it was something else. a big knot in my chest.

i will usually wrestle a psychological puzzle such as this for hours until i give up, frustrated and beaten, or i find a breakthrough. i remember trying to figure out how neo stopped the sentinals in reloaded, and it was like that. this is personal, obviously, and i sat in the car thinking and thinking, what's wrong?

it's still hard to recognize - but i know - i'm holding quite a bit back. i'm not dumping my honest fears / doubts / feelings of happiness / questions, etc to him. they're all sitting there in the center of my chest, and i couldn't unwrap them and talk about them. my communication w/him was simple, stupid, petty. has been for a while. and you'd think it'd be simple to overcome - and i tried, talking a few things out in the car - and distraction is a vicious foe, subtle, appearing as a friend.

but it's not over yet and i can see how i've been holding so much back, and i let these fears pile up in my mind like a car wreck and it's overwhelming. i used to give this stuff all up and i'd feel some peace. what happened? i have all day, though, i have time, i can talk with him. if my brain won't let me dump it out, like it's not right now cause i'm writing a blog post and doing 'work'... i can leak it out. or maybe, at lunch, i'll go off by myself for once. and holla at ya boy. heh.