neurological dryer lint

we had a fascinating discussion at lunch today - our weekly thursday team lunch, where the ops team (us) and the engineering team (GE people) bond at overpriced restaurants.

somehow a handful of us got onto the topic of how our parents / grandparents / etc disciplined them while they were growing up. they all compared the belts their dads used; the 'switches' their grandparents used (what the crap kinda name is 'switch'? it's a stick); and we ended up on getting grounded and such. but i was stuck on the whole smack-the-kids-around thing. i felt left out because i didn't have any stories to contribute - and that's what shocked me - not that i wish i had their experiences, but that it was so common to physically discipline kids.

these guys talked it up, how at the time they were scared to death of their parents and their vengeance; and now they respect what they did and are more socially adapted because of it. but i couldn't help feeling remorse that these people grew up motivated to be good out of fear. psychologists, call it what you will, you can lament the concept of respect for your parents creates a love relationship just the same; i just have a hard time believing that 'respect' that comes from not wanting to get hurt is anywhere near as authentic as respect grown out of love.

does it feel any different? probably. is it any less real? no, probably not. these guys respect their fathers. i respect mine too - but my parents didn't have to hit me to educate me on correct behavioral patterns. granted, i wasn't really a rebel, i don't think - i didn't go to prison or set pets on fire or whatever (i did try extortion in fourth grade, though, so maybe i'd make a good CEO). i didn't really cause that much trouble. who knows why.

i doubt, though, that every kid who gets physically disciplined is that much different from how i was. one guy talked about how if he stood up on the bus while it was going over railroad tracks, and his dad found out, he'd get hit. i can't fathom that. kids need discpline, no doubt; but i doubt the authenticity of a disciplined life born out of fear versus love.

my dad said a few days ago that fear as a motivator isn't bad - "it built the pyramids". made me laugh, but then i thought about it, and the inner turmoil and pain caused by that life experience is just terrible. we weren't meant to live like that! love should be what pushes us to right action. even if the motivation behind the physical discpline was good... that doesn't make it right. i was taught, educated, instructed with words and example how to do things. i had enough care and observation and participation that i didn't have to guess at what was right - or even make myself care enough to do what was right - and i didn't get hit when i missed that mark.

i remember being grounded once, when i was in high school, and i can't even remember what for. by then i had developed my rather healthy hatred of authority (which i still carry proudly today), so maybe that comes along with not getting the crap kicked out of me. not that i'm this saint or that i'm responsible - this is a testament to my parents' style more than anything. i guess i'm just wondering how i'll do this stuff. i have a temper that can get sparked rather easily. i also have a desire to explain things, be rational and reasonable as much as possible and do the 'because I said so!' thing as little as possible. maybe i'm idealistic and reality will be a shiv in the kidneys when it comes to parenting. fortunately renee is far, far more patient and good with kids, so she'll offset that side of me.

i know what i won't be doing, though.

also, transformers: the movie will be mandatory. they'll watch it every night before they go to bed so that their first words will be "if you're gonna ride, daniel... ride in style"

listening to: jimi hendrix - fire