neurological dryer lint

and make everything beautiful again?

sitting on mom and dad's deck in the backyard. it's late. lots of people are out celebrating the fourth, and so the explosions and flashes and booms around me make the yard feel like a warzone. but it's dark, and aside from the glow of my laptop screen and the occasional red or yellow spark above, it's dark. dark and late. lots of people celebrating. people fought for my freedom so that i could sit here on this deck, free, eating dinner and not worrying about whether or not i was safe. so that i could type what i want on this computer. i take so much for granted.

what's probably most beautiful, though, is the woods. they're glittering with fireflies. if i close my computer screen my eyes adjust and can just sit and watch them. it's pretty sweet. almost like i'm in the middle of a stadium and everyone's taking my picture. would God take my picture? would he cheer my name from the stands?

there i go. making everything about me again.

i had fun this weekend up on the boat. drove up silly early on saturday, and the family sailed up to put-in-bay on south bass island. we rolled in about 2:30, and hit the island. my sister and i sat at boardwalk's for a while, waited for mom and dad and adrian to join us. we explored most of the tourist trap shops. enjoyed dinner and the park, took some family pictures, and came back aboard. the single most relaxing thing on the planet is at anchor... drifting in a subtle circle, the wind calm and gentle, the quiet echo of reality floating above me. not too cold, not too dark, because there's almost a light from the lake beneath the hull. shattered, reflecting the moonlight. nothing matters much there, it's the most fulfilling aloneness there is.

the sail back wasn't nearly as fun, though, because winds were out of the south, and heavy. we tacked back and forth a dozen times. my sea legs aren't what they used to be... i sat in the rear of the cockpit, silent, pale, miserable, clutching at the rail, desperately focusing on a tiny chunk of land... mouse island, green island, catawba.. they just became chunks in the water, nothing real, styrofoam floating things. then the rain came, calmed things down, and i settled. then it got beautiful. then rainy. we went to lunch, and i drove back home, weary. smiling too, it was nice to get to go up there.

the storm that we wove in and out of on the sail home was interesting. huge. there's nothing to obstruct your view out there, so you see the full magnitude of the clouds in a storm, yawning above the horizon, enormous, like a human towers above his shoes. enormity impresses me, gives me pause, it's one of a few things that stops me in my tracks. big buildings, or aircraft, or clouds. i don't really know why that is... i guess i hear that things are far bigger than me and seeing that in reality solidifies the concrete for me.

will God be that big when i meet him? will he be my size? what if he's smaller? maybe he'd be funny like that, just to surprise me. how'll i react?

what if i was sitting here, and God came around the corner and sat down with me? would he glow? would i be unable to look at him? i doubt he'd come across like that, or try to startle me intentionally. if he were me he'd clear his throat, make a lot of noise so as to let me know he was coming. or maybe i'd know it anyway. look over at just the right time. smile. maybe he'd bust out a camera and take my picture. i know he thinks of me all the time, very fondly. after all, if he really looks at me like that, compares humanity's relationship to him like that of a bride and groom, talks of love all the time... and what i consider a powerful feeling of love is nothing compared to what he feels... maybe he'd just run up and tackle me (break my computer?).. maybe he'd do just what i needed him to do. say just what needed to be said to make me feel the best that i could. would he challenge me with something? ask me how i'm doing? talk about some distant, painful memory? bring up the future, the wedding, jobs, ministry, relationships, people?

he is sitting here, actually. he's letting me talk. he does that a lot... i want to hear what he says, but i want to talk too. a lot. i really value him-and-me time. you wouldn't think so looking at the way i spend my time. i think it's cuz i always feel like i sound like a dork when i'm talking to him. not that it bothers him, but it bothers me sometimes. i don't like just asking for things. it's hardly natural to talk about things that have happened during the day, like i'm summarizing events. there has to be more meaningful things i can say to him. like i talked a bit about how i really want to surrender everything to him, but didn't really know what else i should do.. like there was more i could give up in my life, but is that what he wants? or should i be not giving things up, but doing them, ya know, in the style that he would do them? see those are the things i 'should' talk about. but i don't, very often. i babble a lot. i think about things and let him think about them with me. it's nice, very unlike a student in a lecture, or a parent-child talk... it feels right, yet not quite complete. like he's waiting for me to say something to him. what is it? am i holding something back? i don't know. i think so, but i can't express it. something i'm afraid of?

maybe i'll get better at this in time. more practice. can you practice conversation? without others thinking you have mental problems? :) i guess i can practice. after all i'm better at it than i was eight years ago.

eight years, wow. what a great day, eight years ago. sixteen year old justin was a strange kid. how did i ever end up here? it's funny.

with that, i raise my glass to God. how did i get here? is it heretical, toasting to God? good work, old chap? no, not really at all. he's toasting with me, raising his glass too. bet he drinks cheerwine. yeah, you know it.

part of me goes, justin, should you post this? it's kinda deep thinking, a lot of the inside of your head, it might sound like you're showing off, trying to sound deep. but i'll post it anyway, hope people don't think i'm trying to show off or anything, i just like to talk to myself, i guess. :)

listening to : david crowder band - stars