neurological dryer lint

'self discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean. accepting God's love will.' - donald miller

something struck me there. feel. in order for me to operate properly, interact with God in the way that i am designed, in the way that's best for me, in the way that he wants me to, i need to feel like i'm capable of it. not that i'm perfect or doing everything 100% right - i know i'll never feel that way - but feel that, in the least, God wants something to do with me. he's not ashamed or disgusted or frustrated or disappointed. that feeling has to be lodged in my heart. if it's not, i'll run from God until i break my leg or i'm out of breath, and he can finally catch up to me and try to convince me that he still sees Jesus when he looks at me. once in a while i listen.

why am i the puppet of circumstance? why can't i control myself, my feelings, apart from the reality around me? renee and i talked about this a lot this weekend - because SHE can do this. but i can't. if life throws a brick at my head, i feel powerless to dodge it. she goes all neo and absorbs the brick, and then smiles and kills the agent that threw it at her. and then makes some cookies. i lay on the ground with the brick next to me, stunned, complaining and feeling sorry for myself.

that's possibly the worst analogy i've ever come up with. :) she's going to hate it. i guarantee i'm going to get "i wouldn't kill anyone!" :)

but i feel incapable of making myself into something that i'm not naturally. powerless on any level. i used to do it to be fake and please people, and my heart has swung pendulously away from that and it's very difficult to do. i can't.. like, if i'm angry, i can't hide it or act 'nice' very well. if i'm bored or tired, it's difficult to mask. i don't know if that's good or bad. probably both depending on the circumstances... i just, man, it's so hard to push myself in the direction i know i should be going. or to even try. to be 'nicer', although that inherently sounds fake. even not fake - just more decent and loving and caring to people, which i totally should be, the times when it's hard, it's really hard. the times when it's not hard, it's not even me making myself do it, it's just happening. you know?

sorry. i was reading and this popped out and i had to say it.