neurological dryer lint

mc'ing brooke's wedding introduced me to my strange simultaneous craving and aversion for the spotlight. like any other human being i want to feel important. it feels good to be noticed. the internal pursuit of that used to be aobut 90% of my brain's work and it's changed as the clock has progressed. part of me enjoys it and part of me is terrified and wants to hide (as i did at the wedding, behind a bassist and some plastic trees).

maybe i'm afraid to be in the open because i'm afraid to be noticed when i screw up, cause i'm convinced it's inevitable.

oh, the drummer from crosstown jazz (the guys playing our wedding) tore it up at the wedding with another band. man it was good.

renee got back on friday. she's done teaching and now i get to be like everyone else is with their SO - i get to see her a lot. few plans and more legwork are left now in the planning. i so need to be told what to do here because i'm mostly sitting around terrified that i'm not doing something i'm supposed to.

what else is up. i'm playing back through KOTOR2 dark-side, discovering that yeah, it's actually kind of hard to be evil in that game. mainly cause it's so cheesy, the stuff that's required to turn yourself to the dark side. the dialogue choices and whatnot. but it's exhilarating to walk into a room and use force storm to fry every living thing around you.

steven johnson writes about that phenomena in everything bad... that i'm reading - talks about the little victories (like winning a battle or solving a puzzle) that cause your dopamine levels in your brain to elevate... a reason that video games are addictive, because we like to solve things, win at things, feel smart and powerful.

it's a great book so far. he has some pretty legitimate theories. anyone who claims that today's forms of entertainment and media are detrimental should really take a read and consider what he's saying. it's way too complex to get into here. renee reminds me that there should be a particular balance of electronic and other forms of entertainment (that 'outside' thing people talk about). she's right, of course. my parents had to kind of lure me there with promises of playing with fire and knives in boy scouts. she enjoys being outside - but not camping. hmmm. i must remedy that. with some sort of electronic camping simulation?

i predict this will be us in a few years. :)

hey there's a new acceptance disc out. you'll recall this is from ex-hangnail-guitarist Nick's new band, which i checked out solely because hangnail was a brilliant musical expedition. these guys are no slouches either, this disc is really nice and melodic and well written. nothing phenominal but pretty good.

listening to: acceptance - breathless