neurological dryer lint

i gave my friend ryan mcallister blue like jazz a week or two ago. he's a kindred spirit in that we tend to see things, spiritually, very much the same way. when we have conversations about things i understand what he means very clearly. it's cool.

anyway, he just wrote this in his livejournal, which echoed so much of an earlier blog entry i made. and i'm sitting at work thinking about this stuff, and it keeps pushing me to severe emotion. i would say to tears, but it hasn't yet. whew. :)

anyway, though. it's making me come to a conclusion, a fairly unrealistic one.

i want to go away for a while. i used to think that people who took 'sabbaticals' were just being lazy, but i can see how foolish that thought is. i haven't had anything like that, ever, and i'm a person that requires solitude on the same level as food. i've had a handful of weekends and mornings over the past seven years of college to 'get away' and 'unwind' which never actually happens on any of them, because by the time i'm fully unwound, i have to leave to go back to the real world and i can't enjoy it. i need at least a week. maybe two. no one around. no communication with the outside world. no, that wouldn't do. my laptop and an internet connection would do. but away, in a cabin by the lake in the mountains, close enough to stores that i could go buy food; far enough from civilization that i could forget the concern that someone might show up at my door at any time. this wouldn't be to escape any specific people or groups of people, because i love the people in my life and have no problems with them. i have a problem with NEVER EVER being able to STOP and just REST, EVER. EVER. it's making me so frickin upset just thinking about it. i hurt for something like this every single day, i think, and i've just never been able to put a label on it. but it's clear to me. i could do it once school is done at the end of the year, just disappear for a few weeks, take some vacation time...

but now, i start thinking about logistics of the whole thing and i get frustrated again. would i get bored? would i actually make USE of the time? would i be able to let go of the electronic amusements that i am never out of reach of, and simply just be with jesus for an extended period of time? i think that if i could make myself do it once while i was out there, then that'd open the door and we'd start to spend some quality time together, and i would accomplish my goal. but i'm too attached to my toys and stuff. it'd be hard, just like it is now, to get up from in front of the TV or the computer or whatever else and spend time with jesus. make something to eat, go outside on the porch, look at the trees, feel the wind and the night and the emptiness of the surrounding circle of miles, and just talk. what if i ran out of stuff to talk about? what if i couldn't get my mind to shut up and focus?

i don't know, could this work? i like to think it could, and i know that if my two options are do it or don't do it, doing it would be much better for me either way, even if it didn't turn out exactly how i expected it to.

this thing is slowly becoming more and more my journal, more inwardly focused and things, but i enjoy allowing people to read what's going on in my head. i would rather be that transparent. but more of these core dumps of thought are happening, so please excuse me. :) anyway. so. i wanna go away. it'd be nice. probably not too expensive. hmm. i'm daydreaming about it now, isn't that weird?

speaking of dreams, i had a weird one last night that i remember the tail end of. clearly a result of watching both smallville and enterprise consistently, it involved trying to help clark kent, who was hanging out at my parents' house (which had mysteriously grown to three stories, and had a big glass ceiling) find his way back home, and then discovering that clark kent was the 'last avian' of the xindi species, and that's why he could fly, and the xindi reptilians wanted to kidnap him.

ohh man... my brain is screwed up. dang.