neurological dryer lint

gorgeous day today. i loved driving around with the sunroof open. renee and i washed/waxed the cars, and then watched dead poets society again (she'd never seen it). and what struck me this time was really legacy - how i'm going to be remembered. i don't think i have to pull a neal perry to have an impact on the world, but it does strike me - how will people talk about me? in our ugly human tendency to summarize people in a few words - heck, screw after i die, what about now? what will people think i'm about? i think i've been a charlie thompson, a knox overstreet, a neal perry, a keating, someone with passion and intensity, it's buried in me.

while i'm writing this it makes me laugh because how can you tell? i strive every day to get my crap done so i can sit on the couch and relax. that's my goal.

bah. i feel it in there, though, and i hid it for so long, and i didn't have any reason to express it and i get so few opportunities to now, to get excited and passionate, to let my heart be engulfed and the flames consume my reservations... i want to live like that, every minute, and it's like that passion is trapped inside a cage, only escaping at really inopportune times. i have no use for my passion anymore. but i want a use, a direction. i have this hollow-point bullet and i'm looking for a gun and a target. otherwise i'm just a sharp little piece of metal. and yeah, when people talk about renee and say
'who did she marry?'
'justin hall'
'oh, i dont know him'
'hes a really nice guy.'

no, that's not what i want. if that becomes the entirety of my existence i will have wasted myself. but what do i want people to say? he's an animal, or a lunatic? he loves people, loves Jesus a lot, does what's right, cares about others, changes things? isn't afraid to live his life? why do i want them to think that? i don't actually think it's just about wanting others to like me, think i'm important or brave or significant - although obviously that's a big slice of the pie.. no, i can say with honesty that it's because i want it to be the truth, i want my life to have had an effect.

yep. so yeah. super bowl party here tomorrow night, 6pm, anyone's welcome.

listening to: dr. dre - *%@&!? with dre day (and everybody's celebratin')