neurological dryer lint

well i don't have to go to campaigner weekend this weekend. my last one, my favorite weekend, and i'm missing it, cause we have maybe two guys going.

it's difficult. i saw other schools go through this and thought, hey, i could handle this if something like this happened, if things slowed down. tougher than i thought. but i know it's not finished and God's still doing work behind the scenes. it's relieving. i never expected to know that, you know? like i know my name. i don't doubt that at all. who ever would have thought that I would struggle less with doubt? it's funny, ten years ago i would laugh at someone like myself, someone who talks about a mighty dreamlike character who sees all things, believing in something intangible. even though that me, that fifteen year old, believed in so much that was intangible. but i wouldn't allow myself to accept the possibility that the largest, most important, most significant things that exist are intangible.

the wonderful, fulfilled life i have now, such a contrast to my soul back then, is tangible, though. the change that came outside of my own efforts, through no work of my own, that cannot be explained by anything else. someone made my life, my circumstances, my soul, change. it's mystic and i'm grateful and excited to have been guided and loved by something, someone that's mystical, that i can't completely understand or even see, something larger than me that requires me to be outside of my own control. it's not just a chemical balance in my head or me getting older. i'm a different person than i would have been - more - and not simply because of the choices i made, but because of who i'm following.

back in '97 someone i met at UC called me insane. they said that people like me get sent to hospitals for believing the crazy things that i do. i laughed. it really is, though - there are more sides to it than rationality, although that is a part. but i guess it is a little insane too. and completely, totally true.

listening to: bad religion - parallel