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neurological dryer lint

dirty deeds... and the dunderchief


soaring through my atmosphere

i had two good conversations last night.

#1 was me and God, talking over the low tide of connection i have felt with him. i found it was difficult to accept that being close with him again may involve a change in how my life looks. i could live how i do now, things being easy and simple, bored but unburdened... i could easily live the rest of my life that way, and he'd let me. the alternative would be to seek him with intensity, feel close, passionate... and have things be shaken up, face trouble and difficulty and places without air conditioning.

it was actually tough. i struggled with being able to say "shake things up if you want... i just don't want to be fake and bored and blah anymore". took some time to remember that it'd be better that way, in the long run, that i'd be happier for it in the end.

#2 was me and renee, about all of this. she reminded me that maybe he just wanted me close too, and that just because i had always equated following Jesus with this weight of the responsibility of organized ministry, didn't mean that it had to be that way now. maybe he doesn't want me running anything or joining another group or making phone calls or whatever. maybe he just wants me around.

i'm feeling very relieved this morning, free, again.


argh. i always feel awkward at the end of a post like this, like i should end with something not so straightlaced and serious.

hey, i get to go to the 2006 FIRST conference in Baltimore. a week of security professionals talking about incident response teams, traffic and log analysis, and frickin Bruce Schneier, an info security bigwig, giving a keynote. head back to camden yards maybe, eat some seafood...


for this post

Blogger Nickolini Says:

Now that I am married and have children, I am terrified to ask God to "shake things up." I'm afraid that it might put my children in a situation in which I cannot protect them. I think this is why Paul talked about how it is better to remain unmarried...that you are unburdened (not that I feel like my family is a burden) to pursue ministry. I am seeking a balance between serving God free of restriction and being a protective father and husband (which is also a desire of God's). I struggle with whether or not being a good husband and father is enough. I know God desires this of me, but does he desire more? My own family and personal sins and struggles are a full time job, but if God desires more of me, I want to keep my ears open.

Blogger Justin Hall Says:

indeed, man - i can't even imagine having three kids and worrying about keeping a roof over their house and fed and whatnot. i get worried with just a wife, making sure she's happy and has everything she wants.

i guess i don't want to drag her into a miserable life of poverty just because i asked God to make me uncomfortable. i know he promises to supply our every need... see there i go again, assuming serving God = destitute existence of scraping by.

Blogger ryanham Says:

When you're in Baltimore, you better get crabs.

Anonymous sYst3m Says:

too late...

Blogger The Barber Says:

Nick just gave some great insight. Justin if your going to shake things up you better do it now, before you and Renee have children. Like you, I wanted to provide a great life for my wife so she can have everything she wants and the truth is Emily could have had anything she wanted right now. We could have had a great income if I devoted myself to this Barber Shop completely, but it would have come at a price. My character (ethics) and my relationship with Christ. The truth is that many Barber Shop owners make almost six figures a year, but they have to lie to the government about their income to do so. By going back to school to find a job that was more honorable I really rocked Emily's world. I made the choice to go back to school without warning only one month into our marriage. A sacrifice for Christ in hopes that it will pay off. This experience has required more faith from Emily and I than almost any other in our lives. We used to be inconstant prayer, worrying about every penny. Over the past three years we have come to learn that when we think we are not going to be able to pay a bill the money just comes. Not given to us, but in weird, random jobs. Justin we are the poorest couple of almost any of our friends due to my choices and we are about to buy a house for pennies. No matter what you decide to do just know God will provide. I have seen it. Trust a poor person who has to count on others for so much. I have see God come through for us so many times that I don't even question that it will happen even more. Maybe this is why I have become so apathetic towards him. Maybe it is because I feel guilty that I don't feel I have anything to offer Him when he offers me so much. The point of this rambling mess is that if you choose to mix it up your safe. Do what ever is going to be best spiritually for you and your wife and in the end I can not imagine anything less than a wonderful life. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalms

Blogger The Barber Says:

Ignore the grammatical mess I just published. It is almost 1 A.M. and I took a sleeping pill about a half=hour ago that is giving me a weird high.

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