neurological dryer lint

i had two good conversations last night.

#1 was me and God, talking over the low tide of connection i have felt with him. i found it was difficult to accept that being close with him again may involve a change in how my life looks. i could live how i do now, things being easy and simple, bored but unburdened... i could easily live the rest of my life that way, and he'd let me. the alternative would be to seek him with intensity, feel close, passionate... and have things be shaken up, face trouble and difficulty and places without air conditioning.

it was actually tough. i struggled with being able to say "shake things up if you want... i just don't want to be fake and bored and blah anymore". took some time to remember that it'd be better that way, in the long run, that i'd be happier for it in the end.

#2 was me and renee, about all of this. she reminded me that maybe he just wanted me close too, and that just because i had always equated following Jesus with this weight of the responsibility of organized ministry, didn't mean that it had to be that way now. maybe he doesn't want me running anything or joining another group or making phone calls or whatever. maybe he just wants me around.

i'm feeling very relieved this morning, free, again.

...

argh. i always feel awkward at the end of a post like this, like i should end with something not so straightlaced and serious.

hey, i get to go to the 2006 FIRST conference in Baltimore. a week of security professionals talking about incident response teams, traffic and log analysis, and frickin Bruce Schneier, an info security bigwig, giving a keynote. head back to camden yards maybe, eat some seafood...