neurological dryer lint

something was resonating with me while watching six feet under - claire, the daughter, and her group of friends from art school. they're sitting in a room, trying to figure out something innovative and powerful and incredible to do artistically, a way to really get people's attention, because they feel like the art they're making is weak and uninspired. they keep throwing out ideas about crazy things they could do and then they just sit there, none of them really knocked over by any of the stuff they suggest. it's really sad because you know they have this talent and there are so many incredible things out there that any of them could take and turn into something really powerful. it's like all the art in the world doesn't do anything that's really out there justice.

i get that, because i can stare for hours at a clear night sky. the moon... when it's lit up, close, it's the most breathtaking sight. something that huge, glowing, it's just incredible that it actually exists. i sometimes worry i'll wreck my car driving at night because i can't stop staring at it, and this from the dude with the attention span of a pigeon.

i have never felt that i could really worship God like i think is possible. or like other people seem to be able to. i hear people talk about their incredible worship experiences, feeling so close, so connected to God, awash in his presence like he is a tank of water and they are suspended, weightless, free and unbelieveably delighted. i assume these people are not making up this experience - some of my close friends have described them - and it's hard for me to admit that i've never quite had that rush. been engulfed, so to speak. intellectually i have felt satisfied by God, but thinking true thoughts, understanding concepts - these things have never made me gasp for air.

i guess that's what i want worship to be. i feel like i'm doing something wrong because other people seem to be able to take some people singing stuff and some words and allow it to move through them, to plug them in to something incredibly powerful. maybe it's the music or the content. i don't know, because i've tried to envision exactly what kind of 'worship experience' a group or church could do that would make me feel like that, and i can't even seem to dream one up.

tomorrow morning i will face another 20 minutes or so of this type of experience. in the beginning, years ago, i faked some enthusiasm during it because i thought people would think i was really spiritual. that got boring, though. i try to listen to the words, which often present beautiful imagery (and often annoy the heck out of me... yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes, yes, Lord... argh) and sometimes they spur a conversation or a "yep, Lord, that's you, you're the man". i sometimes think i have so intellectualized my relationship with God into a series of ideas or concepts or true statements that i have a difficult time remembering that i'm in the relationship.

i have felt this long-sought feeling, this exultation, a handful of times. mostly they have been when i've seen someone i care about connect with God. especially if it was a long road for them to get there. so maybe it is connected to some kind of ministry; but i have seen God do more impressive things in my own life than in other people's, and those experiences don't turn themselves into that same passionate response.

i'm not looking for someone to tell me how to fix this. not that i don't welcome anyone's thoughts or wisdom. i know that urge to try to educate someone or offer helpful advice well - i give in to it very often when i shouldn't, usually when listening to other people. so please resist that urge here :)

i just want to try to flesh these feelings out. i have asked God to really hit me hard with the reality of how wonderful he is, and to really open my eyes, and to show me what it's like to really worship him. intellectually i know that one of the reasons i exist is to do that, and i know he will follow through. i think that's the key discussion i have missed - as usual, i forget that he's just hanging out there, waiting for me to ask. i see this picture of a father wathing his child trying to open a jar of pickles (not olives, God doesn't like olives) and the child throwing all his strength into it. and the father just waiting patiently for the child to wise up and say "dad, little help?". maybe even smiling a little bit when he does.