there's little relief
the power went out for about an hour last night. 80% of the things i have to entertain me instantly became useless.
it wasn't quite the nightmare scenario, though. i sort of became a different person for an hour. the kid who used to sit by the fire during weekend campouts, fascinated by the restless, hypnotic flame. standing outside on a cold night in the middle of nowhere, indiana, awestruck by the clear night sky.
part of me wonders if God axed the power because He knew it'd be the only way i'd have a real, lengthy, decent conversation with Him. the power came back on a few minutes after we got done talking.
part of me thinks that the previous thought is only an indicator of how self-centered i am. part of me knows that God would (and did) sacrifice enormous things to be able to have a relationship with me again. with each of us.
part of me relished in the time, didn't want it to go away, and part drifted off every few minutes, wondering if the rest of the area was still dark.
part of me thought about how interesting this little hour in my life was, how i should blog about it. another part got pretty disgusted by that thought, that my priorities during a quiet period, a great conversation, would be to figure out how i could write about it and make it sound cool so people would think i was deep. here i am, doing it anyway.
it's hard to rely on my good intentions, when my head's full of things that i can't mention. part of me likes to quote songs with interesting, poignant lyrics. part of me knows you're tired of hearing about other 'parts of me' and is itself kinda tired of it too.
i wondered for a bit last night if that meant i should stop writing on here. so much of my life becomes simply figuring out how to format every experience i have into a blog post. i certainly don't need more encouragement in being self-obsessed and totally inward-thinking. i self-analyze way too much. all i do is talk about myself, think about myself, it's nauseating sometimes. but it's my stupid nature. i hate it.
this is me. drives me nuts. maybe shutting this thing down for a while is the answer. maybe it doesn't help a bit.
Jackson's teething right now and has a hard time sleeping. I've been using that time at 3am just holding him and pacing to pray the Jesus Prayer, a really old monastic practice. It's been quality.