neurological dryer lint

from fark. read this article about how scientologists are trying to get their ideas implemented into a school system in San Francisco.

immediately i am confronted with the dichotomy. i have never been a proponent of prayer in schools or forcing the system of beliefs that the Christian church proposes on anyone, be it to kids in classrooms or anywhere else. i believe that Jesus describes a way to live, and that that way is not only good and accurate, but the best way to live. i try to illustrate that fact by living that life out, living like he did. hopefully there is something about that life that becomes meaningful to the people around me. that's my flavor of 'Christianity' or following Jesus or whatever you want to call it.

but there is a marked similarity, slight as it may be, in people who want their system of beliefs taught in schools, and Scientologists sneaking their stuff in. granted, Scientology is an evil, greedy, damaging, vicious cult that has taken many lives and robbed many people. of course some could say that the church has played that role as well. it's a sad fact, but a true one.

i will say without hesitation that i hate Scientology and what it does to people, the way that the organization and the people involved in it dupe people and destroy their lives. but it's horrible that people could say the same thing about the followers of God. we have done wrong. i have done wrong. and i'm so, so sorry.

this ended up going on a completely different road than i intended.

i am no better than any Scientologist. than the one who runs the organization, the one who orchestrates the deception. than L. Ron Hubbard. i am guilty of the same attitudes and intentions... not to the same physical extent, the manifested actions, but my heart, all of our hearts, have been in the same place. it makes me upset here typing about it. i should never try to manipulate or dishonestly wedge my own structure of living into anyone's life.

though it is true that the man i follow, Jesus, claimed that his was the only way to live fully, i have tried to con people into believing that without understanding why. i have hustled a moral code to people that God simply wants to reconcile with. God wants a relationship with us. rather than introducing people to him, pleading with them to be reconciled, i have sold them Christianity. a religion. i hate religion. i hate the word and the subconscious nuances that accompany. following Jesus is the lifestyle that will satisfy every human on the planet. it is the sole path that leads back to the God that is waiting with open arms, ready to tearfully forget all insults and rebuild a friendship, a love affair with the only one that can know us completely and still love us unconditionally. that is a fact. i know that fact like i know 2+2 = 4 and that the sun is hot. i feel it in my heart, a knowing that is simply experiential, like holding renee's hand or eating key lime pie or sitting on the bow of our boat and listening to the seagulls.

and i want other people to know that, to feel it, but they do not. and my life's singular purpose is to communicate that solitary fact with urgency - God wants to fix things with you. i live not to peddle a twelve step process or a list of rules. i should be God's intermediary, his ambassador, his guy-who-sets-his-friend-up-on-a-blind-date. okay that's kind of a weird analogy. hmmm.

and i haven't done that. a life that should reflect a picture of what being reconciled to God can look like, rarely does. i have cared about numbers and performance. i have cared about getting people to a decision point so i can feel certain about how far i've taken them, how good of a worker i have been to God, when he cares so little about the checked off items on my to-do list. when he simply desires to be reunited with the ones he loves dearly. and how patient he has been with me, with all of us, and will continue to be.

i'm sorry my intentions have been so wildly off base. i'm sorry i've acted like a scientologist, like a church salesman. people deserve far better than that. i'm sorry i've tried to squeeze so many lives into the 'how to be a good person' equation. i'm sorry i have failed to accurately represent the passionate, unpredictable, tender, selfless, wonderous, drunk-with-love God that i seem to barely know. it's funny, one minute i feel like i'm really getting a handle on Jesus as a person and the next i look inward and my life rattles, hollow, empty in it self-centeredness compared to the intense experience, the life God is holding out to me. waiting for the shambles of the self-possessed house i have built to fall from my fingers, to take my hands and walk with me, smiling wildly, laughing, overjoyed.