neurological dryer lint

my chair is broken. argh.

so i wasn't going to write about this, but i really can't see a reason to keep it inside. read thru the archives here and you'll see that i have some pretty screwed up dreams at times.usually they're a little startling or funny or whatever. last night's was not a long or complicated one, it was fairly straightforward, which is why i'm even more unsettled than normal. and it's shaped the entire day, not just because of what happened but the strange parallels from my day.

so what i remember of this dream was that entire thing happened during one afternoon / evening. i was at a house - it was my house, by an ocean, where i lived alone - and i had made a decision. i was going to die. it was for some reason that i wasn't conscious of in the dream, but the me in the dream knew why. that night was the night i was going to carry it out.

one by one people i'd known my whole life were coming over to the house. they'd come in, wander about the living room, and i'd explain to them that this was necessary, i knew how crazy it sounded but trust me, it would be alright in the end. then i'd tell them how much i would miss them, comfort them if i could, and then they'd leave. i only remember one or two of the conversations, but i know that many happened... so after the last one, it was late evening and i was by myself. i went to my room, laid down in my bed... i was pretty terrified. i took a pill and then gave myself a shot of some kind, and waited. shaking, in tears, but just laying there. telling myself that it would be okay and heaven was waiting and pretty soon it'd be over...

and things got dark, and i felt. just for about five seconds. i still can't accurately describe it - but i could have been awake, it was so real. i had the sense of movement, in a direction, like neo flying in reloaded or Spaceball 1 going to ludicrous speed. and there was bliss, and exulation, and this "oh my GOSH" feeling like i'd won the lottery and was laughing at the best joke i'd ever heard, harder than i'd ever laughed, at the same time. and sensations going in a hundred other different directions.

then it was over, and i woke up - in the dream. laying in the bed still. thinking "oh crap... it didn't work. it was supposed to work, crap, i'm still here? now what?"

then, i actually woke up, for real. it wasn't a dream that felt like a story you'd heard that you remember really well. it felt like it actually happened. especially the feeling. it stayed with me all day.

well things get stranger. while i was laying in bed thinking about what insanity my brain had thrown up while i was asleep, the movie flatliners popped into my head. remember that? guys and girls do medidcal experiments to make themselves clinically dead to experience the afterlife?

so i get to work today and john, the other newb that started the same time as me, starts talking about movies. guess which one he brings up out of nowhere. yep.

i'm driving home after work, had just gotten the allergy shot. and somehow i start thinking about what would happen if my car went out of control and went off one of the hills on the side of the highway and blew up. i got up around winton rd. on 275W, and i started slowing down around an accident. where a car had gone up one of the hills on the side of the highway, thru some trees, and caught fire.

nice, 2 for 2 on the morbid thought index. i run this all by renee tonight, she convinces me that i'm normal, not clinically insane, my brain isn't broken, and i'm not losing my mind or anything.

it's still bugged me all day, though. it's like someone's inserting them into my head - i'm not generating them - and while i'm not always positive, i don't think anyone would describe me as morbid, so this isn't sitting well with me.

top it all off - i got home and flipped on enterprise really quick to see what episode they showed tonight.

it's called similitude - where a clone of the chief engineer is created to harvest organs needed to heal the real one - except the clone finds out, and has to decide to give his life in a surgical procedure to save the engineer, the ship, the mission, etc.

i don't know, it's just too freaky. maybe it's just today. tomorrow will probably be standard issue and stuff. it may have been started off by a boston legal episode that was on sunday, that involved a possibly innocent man getting the death penalty. at the end of the episode they're strapping him into the lethal injection bed and, whereas before the man was calm and peaceful about his imminent death, he flips out while they're securing him and he fights and struggles all the way until when they insert the needle.

movies, TV, entertainment in general - not much wows me or gets a real reaction ever anymore, but that episode did. it was a smack in the face of realism, what it would be like to sit in the chamber and watch an execution. maybe it shook me up more than i realize. maybe it's something i ate. maybe it's communication, a deliberate thought pattern.

i guess im going to try to forget about it and return to equilibrium. hopefully i dream about food or being a jedi or something normal again tonight :)