if i pierce the complexities
man is driven in total by his insecurities.
- hesh, the sopranos
i have something to tell you.
so i am really, really bad at losing at stuff. i am the sorest loser on the planet.
i know that's a huge shock to everyone i've ever done anything competitive with. go ahead. pick your jaw up off the floor.
i put the pieces together last month, after our company christmas party at turfway park. i'd never been to a horse-racing track before, and so my first (and only) bet was a noob mistake - i told the guy the wrong type of bet, some silly complicated thing that cost me $12 and i bombed. everyone else around me was winning. i was in an awful mood for the rest of the night, renee and i went home and talked about it and kind of dug this out, and i faced it head on for the first time. said it out loud.
but the existence of this defect has been obvious for years. played poker with me? halo? euchre? cornhole? wii tennis? you've heard me whine and complain afterwards. like a reflex, i become that guy, the one that can't take it, ruins the fun for everyone.
i'm not really sure where it comes from, either. it's not like circumstances in my childhood shaped me into this, at least none i can remember. i wasn't ever competitive, but i didn't have a lot of opportunity to be.
i've talked to a few wise people about this - the consensus is that it's tied to self-image. you don't see yourself as valuable, you place your worth in your ability to win, succeed, perform, etc. and when you fail it means you are the failure. other significant flaws - my short temper, impatience, sensitivity to being corrected - all symptoms of this same thing.
so now i dread doing anything competitive. play a little RTCW at the office, some wii sports with renee, and all the excitement and joy has disappeared and it becomes simply about winning or losing. renee almost tops 200 in bowling - and i can't feel happy for her even though i badly want to, because all i can think about is how lousy i did.
i don't know how to beat it. like every other enormous flaw. it's the same self-centeredness, like termites chewing at the foundations of everything i try to do. what i can do:
i know if you're reading this there is a good chance you have been on the receiving end of it at some point. and i'm very, very sorry. believe that i am trying to shove this attitude down, out of sight, strangle it. please accept my apologies.
i don't know if its because of the same reasons as you, but i also dread doing anything competitive. i can't stand the thought of losing to someone else. i can play a game, like Madden, all day against the computer. but if someone wants to play against me, i'll back off. its kind of the same thing when i'd just rather watch people play Guitar Hero (like at Simon's Halloween party) instead of playing it in front of other people myself. i'd play it forever in the comfort of my own home by myself, but when its around other people, i just bottle up and become a spectator.
this all goes out the window, though, when it comes to any Tiger Woods golf game. i destroy all challengers in that game. i even owned Kolia IN HIS OWN HOUSE at that game. i think that was the most upset i've ever seen him. he actually called me a, "Faggot!" and kicked me out of his house. true story. Ed was there. i think this is also why i've never been invited to his new house.
What???? Brian is competitive??? I never knew. I thought he was going to stick a fork in my eye one time when we were playing cornhole and I was his teammate and we lost because I suck. I still think he doesn't like me. I was really just trying to protect him. You don't want people going around calling you the "cornhole champ"...or saying "that guy really likes his cornhole."
I really like my cornhole.
That must be why he always wants to be my partner in Shuffleboard, I've only lost 5% of the games I've played.
But seriously, Justin, play WoW on a pvp server for a day or two and you'll get over that "dread of losing" REAL quick. It worked wonders for me.
i think you should feel happy for me when i shoot you in the face with a sniper rifle, 'cause it doesn't happen very often. :)